i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
