Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
