Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All I want is dick and wine.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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