My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
