Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
