So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
