GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
