I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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