I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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