We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
