Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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