I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
