Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
