I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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