i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
