finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
