WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
