she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
