in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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