The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
