She said her name was "party"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
