I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They took my balls.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
