Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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