I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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