got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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