im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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