need another drink. this is the easiest way
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
