Need sex. Gaining weight.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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