Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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