plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
