i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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