4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
