WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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