im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
