i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
