so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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