I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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