I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
