Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
