i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
