is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it's like heaven, but drunker
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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