if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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