You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
