its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
