i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
