I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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