nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
