i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
