I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
