Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
